When You Leave Your Desk, I Walk Over and Sniff Your Chair
If making a birth is anything like buying a house, I’ll be damned if I’m ever a part of it.
But first the exciting news. It’s above -12 degrees today. My testicles have dropped back into this crazy, crazy world.
And if that wasn’t the excitement you came here for, perhaps you’ll gnaw on this one: I strapped on my manhood and went skiing. Bum knee and all. And here this whole time you thought I was a pussy.
Blessed with a few company-paid days up in Aspen/Snowmass over Valentine’s Day, fellow colleagues, bruised ego from last year, and just a plain old Neanderthal, barbarian-like desire to click my skis on and get my rocks off, lead to a beautiful, albeit aggressive day on the slopes in which I proceeded to give a clinic to my east-coast counterparts. Ultimately signing myself up for two-days of bed rest, in which I had no sensation from the diaphragm down. Typical schedule after I get my rocks off anyhow.
Back to giving birth and purchasing real estate. Ho. Lee. Fu*k. It would seem that I’m tough to get a loan for being that I’ve only been self-employed for 8 months. Or perhaps it’s because my Jerry’s Kids’ mortgage lender is fu*king retarded.
Let’s start with my agent, Kevin M. A seasoned investor with a seemingly well established network of professionals in which he turns to to get business done. So I’m referred to my mortgage consultant, Pam C, to get a loan. 3-weeks with an average of 2 phone calls a day, all of which bring news of the toughness she’s enduring to get me a loan and the inevitable increase of my payments. More on this douche bag later.
Turn to Kevin M’s lawyer.
Tim S. Eight messages I’ve left. Unreturned. Watch as we travel this counter-intuitive road. I’m a potential new client. Throwing myself at his doorstep and offering my business to a lawyer. A LAWYER. Three weeks of no returned contact. If he treats his potential new clients like this, how the hell is he goin’ act when I actually need him to do something? Typical.
Tim S, you’re fired.
Turn to Kevin M’s insurance man.
John D. You got my profile. Pam C has been in contact with you. Says she needs a quote. Just need a quote. You don’t’ call. You don't write. Your partner, Lori, doesn’t call. She don't write. Watch as we take this bitch full circle.
Last Friday, 5:00 pm was the loan deadline. I am scheduled to close on Wednesday. Friday 4 pm, Pam C calls.
Pam C, "I got you approved!! Do you have your insurance?!"
Stick, “No. Should I?”
Pam C, “Lori never called you??”
Stick, “No one has called me.” Lori, you’re fired.
Pam C, “John D never called you??”
Stick, “No one has called me.” John D, you’re fired.
Pam C, “Well I need your insurance!!”
It’s at this point I proceed to explain to her just how fu*king poorly I think she has handled this deal, that she would wait until the 11th hour to tell me she found a loan, pinning me against the wall, with less than 1 hour to decide if I am to take the deal or walk is complete horse shit. Like me not winning the PowerBall. And the last thing I’m going to do is drop what I’m doing to try to track down home owner’s insurance at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon blahblahblah.
Click.
A phone call to Kevin, expressing my extreme displeasure at his network. Which is countered with mention that Pam C is the best in the business and that if she couldn’t get a loan, no one can.
I counter with the facts. Pam C is fu*king retarded. Cause only a retard kid would be responsible for pulling my credit 11 (eleven) times within three weeks. Oh, and that I did indeed get another loan by someone who won’t be paying a referral bonus to you on the back end.
Pam C, you’re about to be fired.
There’s plenty more, but that’s enough for you to weigh in on. Do I:
1.) Walk from the deal out of spite, because really, who wants people like this to get paid, or
2.) Go to the closing table with these people, or
3.) Go to the closing table with my new loan officer?
I should note the additional facts:
- I absolutely do NOT need a place to live
- This was to be an investment property
- I told my supervisor to shred the Verification of Employment
- If I walk and by some retarded move the bank approves the loan without the VOE, I will lose$2,000 in earnest money
- If I walk, I will still have to pay for the appraisal
- It really was a nice house
- I just put new flannel sheets on my bed and Oh. My. God if this world isn’t a better place.
What to do? You have ‘til Wednesday.
But first the exciting news. It’s above -12 degrees today. My testicles have dropped back into this crazy, crazy world.
And if that wasn’t the excitement you came here for, perhaps you’ll gnaw on this one: I strapped on my manhood and went skiing. Bum knee and all. And here this whole time you thought I was a pussy.
Blessed with a few company-paid days up in Aspen/Snowmass over Valentine’s Day, fellow colleagues, bruised ego from last year, and just a plain old Neanderthal, barbarian-like desire to click my skis on and get my rocks off, lead to a beautiful, albeit aggressive day on the slopes in which I proceeded to give a clinic to my east-coast counterparts. Ultimately signing myself up for two-days of bed rest, in which I had no sensation from the diaphragm down. Typical schedule after I get my rocks off anyhow.
Back to giving birth and purchasing real estate. Ho. Lee. Fu*k. It would seem that I’m tough to get a loan for being that I’ve only been self-employed for 8 months. Or perhaps it’s because my Jerry’s Kids’ mortgage lender is fu*king retarded.
Let’s start with my agent, Kevin M. A seasoned investor with a seemingly well established network of professionals in which he turns to to get business done. So I’m referred to my mortgage consultant, Pam C, to get a loan. 3-weeks with an average of 2 phone calls a day, all of which bring news of the toughness she’s enduring to get me a loan and the inevitable increase of my payments. More on this douche bag later.
Turn to Kevin M’s lawyer.
Tim S. Eight messages I’ve left. Unreturned. Watch as we travel this counter-intuitive road. I’m a potential new client. Throwing myself at his doorstep and offering my business to a lawyer. A LAWYER. Three weeks of no returned contact. If he treats his potential new clients like this, how the hell is he goin’ act when I actually need him to do something? Typical.
Tim S, you’re fired.
Turn to Kevin M’s insurance man.
John D. You got my profile. Pam C has been in contact with you. Says she needs a quote. Just need a quote. You don’t’ call. You don't write. Your partner, Lori, doesn’t call. She don't write. Watch as we take this bitch full circle.
Last Friday, 5:00 pm was the loan deadline. I am scheduled to close on Wednesday. Friday 4 pm, Pam C calls.
Pam C, "I got you approved!! Do you have your insurance?!"
Stick, “No. Should I?”
Pam C, “Lori never called you??”
Stick, “No one has called me.” Lori, you’re fired.
Pam C, “John D never called you??”
Stick, “No one has called me.” John D, you’re fired.
Pam C, “Well I need your insurance!!”
It’s at this point I proceed to explain to her just how fu*king poorly I think she has handled this deal, that she would wait until the 11th hour to tell me she found a loan, pinning me against the wall, with less than 1 hour to decide if I am to take the deal or walk is complete horse shit. Like me not winning the PowerBall. And the last thing I’m going to do is drop what I’m doing to try to track down home owner’s insurance at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon blahblahblah.
Click.
A phone call to Kevin, expressing my extreme displeasure at his network. Which is countered with mention that Pam C is the best in the business and that if she couldn’t get a loan, no one can.
I counter with the facts. Pam C is fu*king retarded. Cause only a retard kid would be responsible for pulling my credit 11 (eleven) times within three weeks. Oh, and that I did indeed get another loan by someone who won’t be paying a referral bonus to you on the back end.
Pam C, you’re about to be fired.
There’s plenty more, but that’s enough for you to weigh in on. Do I:
1.) Walk from the deal out of spite, because really, who wants people like this to get paid, or
2.) Go to the closing table with these people, or
3.) Go to the closing table with my new loan officer?
I should note the additional facts:
- I absolutely do NOT need a place to live
- This was to be an investment property
- I told my supervisor to shred the Verification of Employment
- If I walk and by some retarded move the bank approves the loan without the VOE, I will lose$2,000 in earnest money
- If I walk, I will still have to pay for the appraisal
- It really was a nice house
- I just put new flannel sheets on my bed and Oh. My. God if this world isn’t a better place.
What to do? You have ‘til Wednesday.
