I Could’ve Gone The Rest Of My Life Without Knowing That Vaginas Have A Mucous Membrane
Now that January 2006 is behind us, possessing that knowledge doesn’t seem so bad. Aside from a nice trip and a few happy days with Smiles, I think I could’ve done without the rest.
Like a few weeks ago. When I was walking off the plane at La Guardia. The Customer Service Agent-Guy walked onto the plane, said some words about baggage, which seemed irrelevant at the time. And then he said something about, “Watch your heads, blahblahblah, I see a lot of tall people somethingsomethingsomething.” Have you ever seen the metal “garage door” they have that closes off the end of the jet-way? As I regained consciousness, lying in a pool of blood, I realized that I hadn’t seen it either.
Now I have a big bump just above my hairline. Not sure if it’s an infected hematoma or a huge zit.
Oh, and then there’s the whole job thing. That can go fu*k itself too. Not long ago, I took a “Personality Profile” for my area of responsibility. I failed. Again. And being that this company holds these types of profiling in exceptionally high regard, I will likely not be offered a full-time position. Which is too bad. ‘Cause I’ve been working full-time for them for 8 months now. If I had the ability, I’d drain my cranial hematoma all over their front lawn.
And remember that mention of my seemingly innocent mishap with my knee? Turns out they’re gonna have to cut that bitch up. For my medically-inclined listeners, I have Osteochondritis Dissecans of the posterolateral aspect of my femoral condyle. And the worst part is that my Doc (who is also one of my clients), and his very hott nurse will see me in all my naked glory. Which is funny ‘cause I have some unbelievably hairy legs. And no chest hair.
But there is good news. Internet, meet February. February has been generous and accommodating. Like Mexicans occupying all the happy tourist towns throughout Mexico. I have bought a house. My first. Which has set me back a few hundred grand. So I apologize that none of you will get anything for your birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or any religious holiday that you may celebrate, for the next 30 years. Really, I am sorry.
And, I have made it onto the third round of interviews for a job overseas. Can’t say anymore because it ain’t gonna happen anyway so I don’t want you getting all excited. ‘N shit. But if all goes well, I see February happening like this: get the job, get the girl, get sidelined by surgery, close on my house, move overseas, lose the girl, lose the house, get a purulent, post-operative infection.
Which oddly enough, reminds me of a mucous membrane.
Like a few weeks ago. When I was walking off the plane at La Guardia. The Customer Service Agent-Guy walked onto the plane, said some words about baggage, which seemed irrelevant at the time. And then he said something about, “Watch your heads, blahblahblah, I see a lot of tall people somethingsomethingsomething.” Have you ever seen the metal “garage door” they have that closes off the end of the jet-way? As I regained consciousness, lying in a pool of blood, I realized that I hadn’t seen it either.
Now I have a big bump just above my hairline. Not sure if it’s an infected hematoma or a huge zit.
Oh, and then there’s the whole job thing. That can go fu*k itself too. Not long ago, I took a “Personality Profile” for my area of responsibility. I failed. Again. And being that this company holds these types of profiling in exceptionally high regard, I will likely not be offered a full-time position. Which is too bad. ‘Cause I’ve been working full-time for them for 8 months now. If I had the ability, I’d drain my cranial hematoma all over their front lawn.
And remember that mention of my seemingly innocent mishap with my knee? Turns out they’re gonna have to cut that bitch up. For my medically-inclined listeners, I have Osteochondritis Dissecans of the posterolateral aspect of my femoral condyle. And the worst part is that my Doc (who is also one of my clients), and his very hott nurse will see me in all my naked glory. Which is funny ‘cause I have some unbelievably hairy legs. And no chest hair.
But there is good news. Internet, meet February. February has been generous and accommodating. Like Mexicans occupying all the happy tourist towns throughout Mexico. I have bought a house. My first. Which has set me back a few hundred grand. So I apologize that none of you will get anything for your birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or any religious holiday that you may celebrate, for the next 30 years. Really, I am sorry.
And, I have made it onto the third round of interviews for a job overseas. Can’t say anymore because it ain’t gonna happen anyway so I don’t want you getting all excited. ‘N shit. But if all goes well, I see February happening like this: get the job, get the girl, get sidelined by surgery, close on my house, move overseas, lose the girl, lose the house, get a purulent, post-operative infection.
Which oddly enough, reminds me of a mucous membrane.
